I love writing this blog because it's a reminder to me- as I write the posts and then every time I re-read them- how blessed we are and how wonderful our life is. I use this to share our lives with others but mostly as a way for Justin and I to remember little stories and big stories alike, that I don't want to forget. So this post is really just like that- mostly for myself but also just a little to brag to others about how amazing my Grandmother was. I actually wrote this earlier this week when she was still here but you know, I have three kids, and then when I finally had time earlier today to post it, I realized that one of my beloved children had gotten water on my laptop and it no longer works. So here I am, trying again. Reading it now, it doesn't seem to do her justice at all, but I guess that's really not the point. I am just happy to share some wonderful little tidbits from my life with her.
I think it's really important to consider what and who influences us. I can say without a doubt in my mind, that my Grandmother is one of the biggest influences in my life. My sister said it well- she had high standards for us. But she also helped us reach them. She believed in my success in every possible avenue of life and was there to help make it happen. And it continued until her last conversation with me.
I've been aware most of my life that my relationship with her was different than most other grandparent/grandkid relationships that I see. She certainly experienced significant challenges in her life, but her life- the good and the bad- made her who she was, a fierce lady. That's how I saw her, and I mean that in the best possible way, as a huge compliment! She loved fiercely, was fiercely proud, and fiercely protected her family. And she was a lady. :) I can't count the number of times that she told us to take our elbows off the table, followed by "I hope you never do that at the Vanderbilt's!". She carried herself with great dignity and expected us to do the same.
Grandmother taught me a lot but a few things stand out. She always told me from a young age to embrace my tallness. Stand up straight, wear heels, dont slouch, and know that tall is beautiful. And I do. I love it. She was never going to be tall but she loved that Sarah and I are. She also truly believed, and told us all the time, that we could do anything. And she was ready to help make it happen- whatever dream we decided to pursue. She encouraged our talents, especially piano. When we were little, if we mailed her our completed weekly practice chart, she would mail it back with $ in it! what! Talk about motivation to practice ;) I honestly don't think the bribery lasted that long, but it must have paid off (ha!) because it became a huge part of my life and a wonderful skill that I will always have. Bless her heart for listening to hours and hours and hours of probably not that good piano playing for so many years and oohing and aahing about my skill level. And making poor Pop sit through it all too. Everyone loves listening to scales right?!
Sarah, Garon and I are her only grandchildren, so we got special "attention". :) I don't know other grandmothers who are as involved in their grandkids lives, and Sarah and I would sometimes get on her case about it. "Yes Grandmother, I sent that thank you note. Gosh!", "Yes Grandmother, I really did send it this time", "No Grandmother, I don't want to date him even though he fixed your computer for you". Garon also got her special devotion and attention. She always knew he was capable of anything. No one knew much about autism 20+ years ago and she's been on the complicated journey with us the whole time, learning as we went, the best way to help Garon, to encourage him and to interact with him. She was one of his biggest cheerleader!
Front row at Garon's graduation!
Looking back, it's hard to pick out certain memories over others because her and Pop were just always there. BUT one of my absolutely favorite things we did together was that I would fly down to Florida each spring by myself and spend a week with Grandmother and Pop during my spring break. To be clear- for some reason I actually chose going to see them for a week over going to spring break with my friends. And I loved it. I remember some of my friends were like- whaaaat?! We just hung out all week and they spoiled me- taking me to dinner theaters, shopping, the beach, out to eat, staying up late playing games. I love those memories. I hope my kids get to do that with their grandparents someday. ;) I have too many great memories to list because we were such best buds, but this time of year I always think about how I helped her Christmas shop. She LOVED showing people how much she loved them by being generous and giving them a gift they would love. We had so much fun years ago going out shopping together and then wrapping gifts with Pop, and more recently, we would consult first and then I'd do the shopping and wrapping for her. During the more recent times as she had trouble remembering everything, she would forget that someone had bought her gifts for her, but always be so thrilled and relieved when we reminded her and helped her hand them out!
One of Grandmother's biggest influences on my life is one that I didn't give much thought to until recently. Everyone probably assumes that I chose my field of work because of Garon, and that's mostly true, but Grandmother always walked with a cane and I grew up seeing it but never thinking about it. This taught me that disability is just a part of a person, not the whole, and that it doesnt have to be a barrier. She also taught me to see the world through the eyes of someone who sometimes has to fight for equality. And boy could she fight! #fierce ;) One of my fav stories that she would tell me often when discussing my work, was about when the community where she and Pop lived wouldn't let her drive around a golf cart because she "wasn't golfing". She wanted to use it as transportation since she couldn't walk around the big neighborhood like everyone else. Well, she had a lawyer send them a nice letter stating that she WOULD be driving it around and that if they had any questions or concerns about her disability that they could contact her lawyer. Then she got in the golf cart and went riding everyday and they never bothered her again. Garon was also quite pleased with this outcome, as golf cart rides with Grandmother, ranked right up there with neighborhood walks with Pop. ; ) She modeled in her life that you should always be helping others. I remember that there was always a handful (or more) or people that she was taking care of one way or another.
I don't know what heaven is like but I like to think that in heaven memories that were lost come back and joy and laughter are everywhere. Like "oh my gosh my stomach hurts from laughing cause this is just so great" kind of joy. I'm pretty sure that Pop was waiting for Grandmother and they will catch up right away on all the life that happened since he left. I bet she will yell at him for leaving her earlier than she wanted, because like I said, she was fierce, but then they will laugh at how they can't believe that Holly and Barry are now and will be forevermore "Nana and Pop-Pop" and that they chase around 3 (THREE!) little grandchildren many many days of their lives now. I'm sure they will discuss how proud they are of us grandkids and how grown up we are- Garon moving out, living in a house and working; Sarah traveling all around the world to help and serve people; and Justin and I working our butts off to raise our 3 little munchkins who Grandmother got to meet, hold and love! I hope they will talk about how they love that Max is named after Pop and that everytime we say "Maxwell Lawson" it will remind us to keep telling our kids stories about them. I think they will wholeheartedly agree with each other that Mom and Dad deserve the beach house and that it is so wonderful and perfect that the love of the beach life will continue to be passed down through the generations.
Life never seems to be as long as we want it to be, but I am so thankful for the memories, moments, conversations, laughter and pictures that I do have. Grandmother and Pop left a legacy because I already see their dedication to me and their relationship with me being duplicated in our kids and their grandparents. My last great visit with Grandmother was last week and we laughed a ton at my ridiculous stories about Max, Jack and Abigail. She asked me to remind her exactly what I do for my job to help people with disabilities. Then she told me (again) that I could have done anything with my life and been anything but that she was so proud that I chose to help people for my job.
As I got up to leave, we hugged and I said "I love you!"
She replied with a big smile "But I love you more!"
And I said "I know."
I love you Grandmother. Thank you for everything. I miss you already.
Give Pop big hugs from all of us!
